The difference in a day

As a roll out of bed and prepare to face the day, the reality of yesterday's conversation hit me. Today may be "that" day and suddenly everything seemed so palatable and important. My mind wheels back...did I make the right decision. I asses the risk factors one more time as I make coffee. Suddenly such mundane ordinary things seem so real and beautiful. I wonder if I'll be standing here tomorrow pressing the on button. 

      Last night, a patient called hostile, upset and angry, threats were made. I talked through scenarios and agreed to keep our morning appointment. Immediately, I thought of my mentor, "Robyn, did you go through the risk Assessment?" Yes...I'm coming in at slightly above 50/50. "Robyn, do you have some one who can be present for you?" No, the only person I could ask ended our friendship a week ago. The reality sinks into my soul. I'm doing this solo. "Then, Robyn, you must put in place you personal protection plan". I diligently put in place the calls that will be needed, the people to be contacted. 

      As I get dressed for work, I feel outside my body..no, not those shoes, the heels are too high to run. No,  wear pants because if EMS comes, I don't want my skirt over my head....and the list goes on. Spend extra time hugging the pup...God willing you will see her tonight, call neighbor just in case. I continue the check list. Call mom, don't let on anything is wrong. Hold strong. Just say I Love You. Unlock the office, stash some gauze and ties in the main office just in case, count the steps from my room to the office, just in case. How long do I need to be conscious before EMS will arrive? The time ticks down. I am aware of life. I am aware of wanting to live. I have so much to do. Be strong, stay strong. It's just a patient, you can do this. 

      I get a text. The patient is bringing a driver and i know things will be ok. I make the calls to stop the plan and let people know its fine.  I shake it off, say a prayer, refocus and give good care. I talk through a plan of care with the patient. I don't back down from the boundaries of care. I tell him I will hold him accountable for his behavioral choices. This conversation is met with frustration and anger but not with hostility. Maybe I'm getting through. Maybe a difference can be made. The day is a full day. Put it behind you, move forward, give good care, emotionally connect later.

      Its not until much later do I realize, I stood my ground. At any point I could have ran. Instead I chose to put my faith where it needed to be and knew without a doubt I was where I needed to be. I also know beyond a shadow of a doubt, to help even one, I would do it again. 

      Having stood in the storm of what could have been my last day here, I chose to walk through it with Grace and Faith. It changed how I see life and how I want to show up. I may hug my friends more and tighter. I may reach out to connect with friends who hurt me or pushed me away. But I was given the gift of seeing how precious life is because I may not have had mine. 

      I roll out of bed the next day, hug the pup and press the on button for coffee. Today is a beautiful day.

On being dumped and finding life....

I found myself having the conversation with the man I had unexpectedly fallen in love with. The one we all dread hearing. I was devastated, I was angry, I was confused and I was hurt. I was even more so scared. Even though it was new, with him I had a plan. Life had a course. Someone to tie my dreams to and chart a course with.

As I raged and cried and talked to friends, I was reminded that the best revenge is a life well lived. I've said this before to others but what did it really mean. What did a life well lived mean to me. I realized even though I would argue until my last breath, my soul has been waiting to live. Looking around my apartment would tell you that. Walls not painted no "real" furniture. My outer cool self would tell you its because I'm waiting for the right things. My soul would tell you its because I'm afraid. Afraid of choosing wrong and offending the wrong possible suitor. So much has been decided in my life based on that fear of not being liked, not embracing that life.

This fear has made me make excuses for people that I shouldn't have. That I should have walked away from awhile ago. With this last beau, I made the excuses. Oh, it was his ex wife he slept with so its just working through things. In reality, he's just a guy who even though he claimed he was monogamous, slept with another woman. He was a person who could not keep that promise first to himself. He wasn't magic and special, he's just a person like all of us making decisions good or bad. It wasn't a mistake it was a choice. And it is up to me to decide, is that what I want in my life....not paying attention to the fear voice that says...but choose me, like me, love me. But find the mature voice that says, no. The voice that says no with no drama, no excuses and no exceptions.

The only thing left for me to decide is what does a life well lead look to me, and how do I embrace it. I don't have those answers, yet. But I'm learning to replace fear with trust and faith. I'm learning to see the blank canvas and open roads with excitement instead of fear. I've learned I can have faith or control, but not both.

I never knew my soul could break.

I never knew my soul could break.My soul was shattered. I looked around and saw shards of who I had worked so hard to be shattered around me. In one sharp move on a Tuesday afternoon, he shattered my  soul. He was going back to his ex whom he did not say one positive word about for the  time we were together. To the woman who was my exact opposite. Nothing mattered.  Not the pile of patient billing, the phone calls needing to be returned or the dissertation  languishing for rewrites on my desk. All that I had worked so hard for and to become no  longer mattered. She had a midlife crisis he tried to explain. Hell, when I had mine, I got my doctorates. I didn't get drunk every night and be mean to people. Nothing seemed to matter.   My friends assured me I would be stronger. I didn't need to be stronger. I am strong.  What I wanted to be was softer. This love came out of the blue and surprised even me.  It was magic and soft kisses in the sunset. I let the walls down, built bridges and leaned  in. It felt good. For the first time, I let myself trust. He was perfect exactly how he was  now in this moment. I felt I could exhale and relax. He reached in and made my soul  smile. I thought we brought out the best in each other. I was convinced this was how  fairy tales began. When he met me at mile 22 at my marathon with a back pack full of  snacks, I knew I was falling. Four miles later, a finish and a medal, finding him in the  crowd and being wrapped in his arms and his kisses, I had fallen for him.   Things began to change. I slowly gave away bits of my dignity and self esteem to hold  onto what we had. I wanted him to see that all the ways he described me...I was  beautiful, smart, sexy, positive, free, kind, generous, great vibe....were the things solid  relationships were built on. I thought if I gave him space he would figure this out.  Looking back, I should have known this was coming. But I still wanted to believe I was  enough.  I had spent my life chasing perfection, pushing myself to be the best. Everyday I worked hard to do all the things I thought I should and to be all the things I thought I should be.  And it didn't matter, he left for my complete opposite. My soul was shattered and I hurt. I wanted to run, to get away from the pain, the embarrassment, the "i told you so" looks. I did what I am so good at. I made calls, I looked other places, I made my escape plan.  But as I sat surrounded by my anger, pain, sadness and fear all competing for a place in my heart and mind telling me I'm not enough, to runaway so no one hurts you again, I  heard one small quiet voice.....what if you stayed. What would that look like. It was  hope. Hope speaking to my soul asking me to have faith. I took a deep breath and  decided not to run. I decided to stay until the hurt was gone and then make a decision  for me. I decided to look at each broken piece of me and decide who I am because who I thought I should be didn't work.    These decisions didn't make the hurt, sadness and fear go away. But each day, hope  and faith get stronger. And I choose to stay soft and vulnerable with the right friends.  There is strength in standing and saying, yes...I made a mistake. I

Changes....

I wrote this a few years ago but thought it was a perfect way to kick start this blog.  Life is about change.  Love is about change (ok and faith...lots of faith ;)

Change:

Change is constant in the universe.  Nature is a prime example of change.  Each season melds gracefully into the next one.  Each change nourish and cleans the one before.  Winter with its cold snow and ice hibernates the plants allowing them time to germinate.  the ice and snow replenishes the water that was used during the heat of summer.  Winter gives way to spring, when plants emerge from their hibernation.  The buds and flowers bloom forth brining beauty from the barrenness of winter.  Spring warms into summer.  The blazing heat allowing the crops to ripen.  Fall is a time for harvest.  

Rocks and ground cover is also in constant change.  The energy dynamics that course through the land change the imprint of the earth.  Glaciers crack and fall, earthquakes open big canyons, waves simply erode the sand of beaches.  Each moment is constant shifting and changing.

Even within ourselves, there is change.  Our bodies renew the cells which create our beings.  If these cells were not refreshed and renewed we would become sluggish, stagnant and die.  Our thoughts also change with each interaction.  We either agree more firmly with an idea or replace it with something new.  

So why is it with personal change, we become afraid.  We become afraid of a process created to continually nourish and sustain us.  Change moves us forward and allows us to expand.  When confronted by change we have a tendency to want to cling to the old and familiar.  our fears preclude us from embracing the unknown that will nourish our beings.  Even if the change isn’t what we expected, we still learn and grow.  

I find myself in that seat of change.  There are some very big changes which to manifest require I have the faith that it is right.  And yet, knowing it is right I still want to desperately hold onto what I know.  Suddenly, everything seems so final and fragile.  I want to embrace it all and cling to it.  I want to secretly stash away friends, moments and memories.  The laughter and dinners I have with friends, i want to capture and hold onto.  I’m afraid to let go or am I afraid to open up and let the new come in and nourish me?  We know who we are but yet are so afraid of who we can become.