I never knew my soul could break.

I never knew my soul could break.My soul was shattered. I looked around and saw shards of who I had worked so hard to be shattered around me. In one sharp move on a Tuesday afternoon, he shattered my  soul. He was going back to his ex whom he did not say one positive word about for the  time we were together. To the woman who was my exact opposite. Nothing mattered.  Not the pile of patient billing, the phone calls needing to be returned or the dissertation  languishing for rewrites on my desk. All that I had worked so hard for and to become no  longer mattered. She had a midlife crisis he tried to explain. Hell, when I had mine, I got my doctorates. I didn't get drunk every night and be mean to people. Nothing seemed to matter.   My friends assured me I would be stronger. I didn't need to be stronger. I am strong.  What I wanted to be was softer. This love came out of the blue and surprised even me.  It was magic and soft kisses in the sunset. I let the walls down, built bridges and leaned  in. It felt good. For the first time, I let myself trust. He was perfect exactly how he was  now in this moment. I felt I could exhale and relax. He reached in and made my soul  smile. I thought we brought out the best in each other. I was convinced this was how  fairy tales began. When he met me at mile 22 at my marathon with a back pack full of  snacks, I knew I was falling. Four miles later, a finish and a medal, finding him in the  crowd and being wrapped in his arms and his kisses, I had fallen for him.   Things began to change. I slowly gave away bits of my dignity and self esteem to hold  onto what we had. I wanted him to see that all the ways he described me...I was  beautiful, smart, sexy, positive, free, kind, generous, great vibe....were the things solid  relationships were built on. I thought if I gave him space he would figure this out.  Looking back, I should have known this was coming. But I still wanted to believe I was  enough.  I had spent my life chasing perfection, pushing myself to be the best. Everyday I worked hard to do all the things I thought I should and to be all the things I thought I should be.  And it didn't matter, he left for my complete opposite. My soul was shattered and I hurt. I wanted to run, to get away from the pain, the embarrassment, the "i told you so" looks. I did what I am so good at. I made calls, I looked other places, I made my escape plan.  But as I sat surrounded by my anger, pain, sadness and fear all competing for a place in my heart and mind telling me I'm not enough, to runaway so no one hurts you again, I  heard one small quiet voice.....what if you stayed. What would that look like. It was  hope. Hope speaking to my soul asking me to have faith. I took a deep breath and  decided not to run. I decided to stay until the hurt was gone and then make a decision  for me. I decided to look at each broken piece of me and decide who I am because who I thought I should be didn't work.    These decisions didn't make the hurt, sadness and fear go away. But each day, hope  and faith get stronger. And I choose to stay soft and vulnerable with the right friends.  There is strength in standing and saying, yes...I made a mistake. I