On being dumped and finding life....

I found myself having the conversation with the man I had unexpectedly fallen in love with. The one we all dread hearing. I was devastated, I was angry, I was confused and I was hurt. I was even more so scared. Even though it was new, with him I had a plan. Life had a course. Someone to tie my dreams to and chart a course with.

As I raged and cried and talked to friends, I was reminded that the best revenge is a life well lived. I've said this before to others but what did it really mean. What did a life well lived mean to me. I realized even though I would argue until my last breath, my soul has been waiting to live. Looking around my apartment would tell you that. Walls not painted no "real" furniture. My outer cool self would tell you its because I'm waiting for the right things. My soul would tell you its because I'm afraid. Afraid of choosing wrong and offending the wrong possible suitor. So much has been decided in my life based on that fear of not being liked, not embracing that life.

This fear has made me make excuses for people that I shouldn't have. That I should have walked away from awhile ago. With this last beau, I made the excuses. Oh, it was his ex wife he slept with so its just working through things. In reality, he's just a guy who even though he claimed he was monogamous, slept with another woman. He was a person who could not keep that promise first to himself. He wasn't magic and special, he's just a person like all of us making decisions good or bad. It wasn't a mistake it was a choice. And it is up to me to decide, is that what I want in my life....not paying attention to the fear voice that says...but choose me, like me, love me. But find the mature voice that says, no. The voice that says no with no drama, no excuses and no exceptions.

The only thing left for me to decide is what does a life well lead look to me, and how do I embrace it. I don't have those answers, yet. But I'm learning to replace fear with trust and faith. I'm learning to see the blank canvas and open roads with excitement instead of fear. I've learned I can have faith or control, but not both.